Let me first apologize for the crudeness of these articles. Although the shock value is fun, and the topics are even more fun to write about, they are designed to draw readers in by making them laugh. Obviously, by the number of followers on Twitter and Facebook (zero), I am neither drawing people in nor making them laugh. Which is fine, since my favorite conversations are ones where I am yelling into a cave, and the only response is the echo of my own voice. I really like the guy who answers me back. He sounds quite handsome and almost always agrees with me. The conversations do seem to go in circles, but it's a small price to pay for vanity.
Now, after reading the title of this article, I'm sure you know that I have no intention on toning it down. All twenty-somethings out there love to drink and do dumb (messy, and fun) things with the opposite sex and then never talk about it again, and by god so do I. The only difference between you and me is that I now talk about it. Although, amidst all the crudeness I don't want to lose sight my sensitive side. I want to reach out to all the ladies, this article is written for you.
Below are six things a man should NEVER do to a woman. Or maybe I should say, below are six things a man should ALWAYS do to a woman, if he wants to ruin any chance with her and spend the rest of the night telling his friends how he got "cock blocked" by some imaginary guy. Wait a minute, that guy isn't imaginary, it's YOU, and you're a dumbass. Ladies, show this list to your man, and men, show this list to your friends.
A man should never...
1. Tell her she has fat thighs - Pretty self explanatory here. You should also never ask a girl if she is the starting catcher for the Florida Marlins, nor the starting center for the Indianapolis Colts. Asking her if she is the backup at either of these positions is acceptable, although not advisable.
2. Comment on how long it takes her to get ready - A guy needs to remember that the reason it's taking her so long to get ready is because she's trying to look good for you. At least that's what I used to believe. I now realize the reason it takes a girl so long to get ready is that she's trying to make other girls jealous. Sorry guy, you have nothing to do with it. But hey, as long as she looks good, her motives shouldn't matter. And if you like the end product, quit knocking the process.
3. Hit on her friend - This is ok if "her" is a close friend, and "her friend" is hot. Not ok if "her" is your girlfriend, and "her friend" is the girl you think about when you and your girlfriend are having sex.
4. Forget to open a door for her - Contrary to popular belief, girls do in fact have hands, and enough strength to open a door. Doesn't matter. For some reason opening a door for a girl is really meaningful, and I suggest doing it. I'm sure it would be even more meaningful if the door you were opening for her was a door to your Rolls Royce, but hey.
5. Let her pay for a meal - Does anyone else find it funny that a way to a guy's heart is through his stomach, yet he's expected to pay for it? Again, doesn't matter. If you don't pay for a girl's meal, there are plenty of guys out there who will.
6. Tousle her hair - When it takes a girl two hours just to straighten her hair, this is sexual suicide. Remember: touching a girls hair is like touching her vagina, always ask for permission.
There it is, full circle. I told you my conversations usually end up that way.
Sincerely,
#RecoveringFratBoy
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