What Your Car Says About You

A car can say a lot about the person driving it. It is more than a machine that gets us from point A to point B but is a reflection of our personality. The type of car we drive lets the people around us know how much money we make, the amount we care about the environment, and how small our penises really are (If you have a penis. I don't think the same goes for women - like the bigger the car the looser the vagina).

Below is a list comprised of various types of cars and what they say about their driver. There are no stereotypes here,  this is really what your car says about YOU.



BMW - You are rich (or more likely you have rich parents), but you lack the imagination to spend your money like an individual.  Your only pick-up line consists of dropping your car keys in front of a group of people and exclaiming loudly, "oh no, I just dropped the keys to my thirty thousand dollar BMW! I hope there is no one around who saw that and now wants to sleep with me." You are also the kind of person who goes to the gym and instead of counting your reps from 1 to 10, you count loudly from 990 to 1,000.


Audi - You think you are on the cutting-edge of luxury vehicles, but really you just bought a shitty car. You may have marginally more imagination than a BMW owner, but that is negated by the thousands you will spend on replacement parts. Enjoy owning next generation's BMW!


Escalade - You don't have any friends, but you really want some. You're ace in the hole is trying to find out where people are partying and then offer to drive them all there. You are perfectly content with driving your new "friends" around while they get hammered in the back seat, because hey, at least you are hanging out with people. There is a strong possibility that your "friends" will convince you to go on lengthy road trips and that you will pay for the gas.

Mercedes - See "BMW" above

Porsche - If I had a Porsche while I was writing this I would probably write that you are devilishly handsome and that we should start a Porsche club because Porsches are awesome and I really want one. Unfortunately I do not have a Porsche so instead all I will write is that you are a giant douche bag and I hate you.

Xterra - Your car makes it look like you are ready for an adventure, but chances are you haven't been more than a hundred miles from your birth place. The only adventure you'll have is raiding the fridge after your mom goes shopping...when you're 30.


Jetta - If you are a girl, then for some reason you are automatically hot. Don't step away from your car, because the guy talking to you may lose his Jetta goggles. Also don't be alarmed if grown men follow you in their cars and then abruptly pull U-turns when they see you walk away from your Jetta and into a Micky D's. If you are a guy, then what the hell are you doing driving a Jetta?

Mini Cooper - Idiot.

Volvo - You are a devilishly handsome and quick witted individual. Women want you and men want to be you. Don't worry about the fact that people don't "get you," they will all grovel at your feet once your blog becomes the voice of a generation.


Well, there you have it. If I didn't include your ride it's probably because you drive an economy car and even though you think it makes you look financially responsible, everyone knows you're just poor. Can you guess what car I drive?


Sincerely,

#RecoveringFratBoy


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