I've broken the first rule of blogging. Or maybe I've broken the second rule of blogging. I mean, I don't think there is actually a book full of blogging rules, but if there was, I broke rule number one. Or number two. Point is, if you are trying to increase your readership, you should post an article no less than once a week. I haven't posted in a while, and to the six people out there who actually care (well, four if you exclude my parents), I'm sorry.
A lot has happened since my last article. Lebron James was good (then, according to ESPN, was awful, then was good, then was even more awful), Prometheus confused everyone who saw it, and apparently people have been eating each other's faces off. Paramount Pictures should make a sequel to Face Off and title it "Literally, Face Off." And although the news is full of shocking current events, there is only one topic worth mentioning. One topic so shocking that I'm amazed it hasn't been brought up before. I'm alluding to The Bachelorette, and more specifically to my growing suspicions that The Bachelorette began as an Al Qaida sleeper cell hell bent on female propaganda.
When you ask a woman a girl to describe her dream man, you might as well kill yourself. Without stopping to breathe, she will tell you about every detail of her future man all the way down to the floral arrangements at their future wedding. Trust me, I've witnessed it before and left the conversation feeling like I just had the life sucked out of me by the mummy Imhotep from The Mummy. Only, unlike the movie, Brendan Fraser did not come to my rescue, and the woman that I was talking to was not a hot librarian who conveniently had both an interest in Egyptian history as well as a thirst for adventure (alas). Now that I think about it, the premise of the movie The Mummy sounds entirely more believable than the premise of the show The Bachelorette. Granted both share some similarities, but in the movie it's a mummy who sucks the life out of men, and in the show it's a bachelorette who does it.
In The Bachelorette, thirty good looking men are lined up in front of one woman and proceed to beg, lie, cheat, seduce, and maim, in order to win her heart. The bachelorette, who oddly enough always looks like a perfect ten model, is wooed and dated as she narrows down the thirty contestants to one worthy suitor. On top of one million dollars (which I'm sure is no motivation at all), the winning contestant earns the right to love the bachelorette unconditionally. I recently looked up the success rate of relationships started on the Bachelorette and was COMPLETELY SHOCKED to find it was 0%. Oh sorry, what I meant to say is that I was COMPLETELY UNAMAZED. I always get shocked and unamazed confused. In essence, The Bachelorette is as close to people really finding their soul mates as MTV's The Real World is to the actual real world, or as the cast of The Jersey Shore is to real Italians.
The Bachelorette is so fake that it has to be propaganda. It puts in a woman's head that not only is the perfect life attainable, but distorts what a woman thinks it means to have a perfect life. I mean, if this woman on TV can have thirty men fight for her affection, then why can't I? Er, you? Er, then why can't normal women? Believe me, If you think happiness can be found by taking on thirty guys and then taping it, you are in the wrong line of business.
I hate to break it to everyone out there (bachelor's included), but chances are you will end up settling. You will meet a nice person, have a nice wedding, own a nice house, and raise a nice family (shout out to middle class America). You will not be fought over by thirty wealthy people. The producers of The Bachelorette should change the name of the show to "Deciding to Settle," where, after a slew of drunken mistakes, a contestant meets a nice person who, although isn't what the contestant dreamed of, is cute, interesting, and earns enough money to make it work. That would be a lot more realistic, wouldn't it? Hey, last time I checked it was reality TV.
Sincerely,
#RecoveringFratBoy
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I would be the bachelor. You would, too.
ReplyDeleteFact: The very first bachelorette was number 7 on Maxim's hot 100 and has 2 kids with the same dude. Pretty likely she's the only one who accomplished that.