Congrats College Grads! You Are Officially a Drain On Society

I used to hate the fact that while I was finishing up my last year of schooling (and drinking as much as I could while it was still considered "the college experience," rather than "full blown alcoholism"), all-knowing graduates would say to me, "just wait 'til you get into the real world,"as if the world I currently lived in was some mythical, nonexistent fantasy land synonymous with Atlantis or Fantasia. Could the "real world," as they referred to it, really be that different? In one word, yes, and here is why: responsibility. Responsibility to get a job, responsibility to keep a job, responsibility to climb the corporate ladder, responsibility to make enough money in order to live on your own. Responsibility, responsibility, fucking responsibility. And here I thought being responsible meant only taking eight shots (instead of eighteen) the night before a final, or drinking vodka instead of tequila because it "doesn't get you as drunk."

Now, notice that most responsibilities felt by recent college graduates revolve around employment.

Let me throw a couple statistics at you. Did you know that 90% of recent college graduates are unemployed, and that 70% of those recent college graduates remain unemployed one year after graduating? Did you also know that I made both of those stats up? Regardless of the validity of the statistics, the message remains clear: graduating doesn't mean you've made it, it means you've just begun. And if you've just begun, it probably means you're either working in a field that you never wanted to end up in, or you're unemployed. Trust me, if revenge is a dish best served cold, then unemployment is a dish best served never, because it tastes like ass.

The moment you wake up at 6:30am hung over from the night before, pound six glasses of mimosas, sprint to your 8:00am graduation wearing nothing but basketball shorts and dress socks underneath your gown, and walk across that stage, you are officially adding to our unemployment rate. You may not be worried now, but wait until the only jobs you can find in your field are unpaid internships. Unpaid internships? I thought slavery was abolished years ago. I hope, for the sake of all college graduates out there, that you had the foresight to work these slave...er...I mean unpaid internships, when it was still acceptable to be broke. Although, when you can't even remember the name of the person you hooked up with last night, I doubt you had any foresight at all.

As Billy Madison once said, "stay in school. Stay here as long as you can! For the love of God, cherish it. You have to cherish it!"

All jokes aside, congratulations! You graduated, and you now have a diploma. Frame it, it's the most expensive piece of paper you will ever own.


Sincerely,

#RecoveringFratBoy




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