If You Want to Feel Inadequate, Just Turn On The TV

One of the greatest ongoing debates amongst the people of this world is the debate over whether or not intelligent life exists in our universe. I am hesitant to include our own species in the category of intelligent life because the jury is still out on that one, so I will acknowledge the debate in its broadest sense - whether or not intelligent life exists at all. I know one thing, the debate is moot. The most likely way one intelligent species will detect another intelligent species is by picking up on its radio waves and satellite transmissions, which means our ambassadors to otherworldly creatures have been shows like Two Broke Girls, Bridezillas, Pregnant in Heels, and The Real Housewives of (enter city here). Any intelligent life that possesses the capability to detect us has long since been scared off by now.

That is probably a good thing, since we have a long way to go before we can consider ourselves "intelligent." Fueled by the desire to escape our own lives, we love to watch television shows about things we will never do, places we will never go, and possessions we will never own. We allow television to dictate our goals, our desires, and ultimately our lives; causing a lack of imagination and intelligence. Hell, we can't even accurately name our own TV shows. The Real Housewives of Orange County? More like The Real Housewives of Bitchy Attitudes, Inappropriate Dresses, and Whipped Husbands. 

So thank you Bravo Network, for showing us houses on Million Dollar Listings that we will never own. Thank you for teaching us that it's better to marry someone who loves you, until you make enough money to re-marry someone who's hot. And most importantly, thank you for shows like America's Next Top Model, that make us feel so self-conscious about our bodies we end up eating everything that's made on shows like Top Chef - out of pure self-loathing (flawless business model). 

Thank you MTV, for promoting socially insightful music and mood-changing art. Oh wait, that hasn't happened since the early 1990's. Thank you, then, for The Jersey Shore, The Real World, and Road Rules. Without them I would have no idea how to conduct myself like a maturing adult. Without role models like "The Situation," I would be needlessly trying to focus on my professional career, when I should obviously focus on becoming a 28 year old balding reality TV star, who counts his life's successes by the amount of teenage V-cards he takes. 

Finally, a big thank you to Fox, CBS, NBC, and the rest of the major television networks; you have successfully monopolized human idiocy. By popularizing the reality TV show, you have distorted how we view our own lives. Reality TV? What the hell kind of reality do we live in, then? Sorry Survivor, but stranding people on a remote location isn't called reality, it's called Gilligan's Island. Ironically, the ultimate reality TV show featured on these networks - the news - is selective and scripted in order to cause controversy and boost network ratings. So thank you, thank you for scripting reality and un-scripting surreality.      

Oh, before I go, what network is responsible for TMZ? I wanted to thank them as well, but all I can bring myself to write is: fuck you, you embody everything that is wrong with the world. And that's all I have to say about that. 

Sincerely,

#RecoveringFratBoy

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